The Lighter Side of Turtlecest
by kytyngurl2
Summary: A series of short fics and drabbles that both pay homage to and parody Turtlecest fics. All in the spirit of fun, crack, humor, and sometimes fluff. Please enjoy! Expect various pairings and some laughs.
1. Documented

A/N: This shall be the first of many such drabbles/short-fics. Basically, I'll be channeling my twisted and often pervy sense of humor-- often fed by chats with my friends (HI TERRAPIN TARTS!)-- into doing some cracky fics. Please enjoy and try not to get brain bits on your monitor. Those can be hard to wash off!

Thank you Aubrey, once more, for the beta-work!

---

**Documentary**

Don was just finishing up helping the lady who-- thinking she could somehow save and savor the flavor later-- placed a milkshake into her CD-RW drive and then shut it, when his youngest brother entered the room.

"They are _still _at it," Mikey informed him, sneaking his hand into Donnie's bag of ranch chips and removing several morsels while he thought his brother was distracted. Donnie didn't need to ask him whom he was talking about--it was pretty obvious.

Leo and Raph had gotten so bad lately that he was pretty sure Mrs. Walsh-- who honestly had really wanted a bit of strawberry shake for dessert tonight-- would have noticed and gotten it. Then would have started screaming about the 'horrible freaks' and lecturing about morality, of course.

Mikey sat down on one of the spare chairs in Don's work area, looking bored. "I almost think..." he stated, eyes faraway, "that I should borrow one of those cameras of yours and make a video of 'em or something."

"Er." Donnie wasn't quite sure what to make of that one. "Didn't know you were into that sort of thing too, Mikey...?" Distantly he wondered if it was contagious. Maybe he should get some hand-sanitizer. Better safe than committing a mortal sin with your brother. Just say no to the incest bacteria!

"What?" His youngest brother blinked at him, apparently confused... then his eyes suddenly widened in horror. "NO, DONNIE! NOT _THAT_ SORT OF VIDEO! Jeez!" Mikey rolled his eyes and attempted to throw a chip at his brother's monitor; it missed and hit the speaker instead. "I meant, like, a documentary: 'The Disturbing Mating Habits of the Elusive and Overly Loud Leonardo and Raphael', or something."

"...And this strikes you as a good idea?" Don raised an eye ridge. "Mikey, you haven't been taking your medication again, have you? We've _talked_ about this..."

His brother snorted and gave one of Donnie's chair legs a swift kick. "Real cute. I just think it'd be funny... and informative! Think about it..." Not missing a beat, Michelangelo changed his expression, hilariously trying to look serious and dignified. At the same time, he attempted a terribly bad fake British accent. "Little is known of these strange, nocturnal creatures, for they spend most their time abroad at night, only returning to their Lair after a vigorous night of rutting and the hanging of bad guys by their britches..."

"Oh god."

Mikey ignored him. "Less is known of their diet, except that they seem to exist solely off of leftover pizza, Chinese food, and the Mountain Dew their brothers were saving for later and hiding at the back of the fridge, the jerks..."

Don tried to keep a straight face, and failed.

"Both can be easily recognized by their complex mating ritual-- which mostly involves punching and severe damage to afore-mentioned Lair's furniture-- and also their haunting mating cries." At this, his youngest brother was not able to keep a straight face himself and instead burst out, in a hysterical rush of air, "Such as: '_You are SUCH an asshole, Leo!_' and: '_I swear, Raphael, I don't know what to do about you sometimes!_'

With this, both bothers were quickly reduced to laughter, which only made things worse... and funnier... as one of the brothers they were discussing chose this moment to peak into Donatello's impromptu IT Help Facility.

"What the hell got inta the pair a' you?" Raph blinked at them, looking bleary. As well he should, after a night of busting heads and probably busting his oldest brother's nuts as well. "It's only 2pm, can't you asses keep it down or somethin'?"

Mikey smiled, angelically. "Oh, sorry Raphi! We'll hush up now... I was just telling Donnie here a joke."

Not trusting himself, Donnie merely nodded rapidly and looked everywhere in the room but at Raphael.

"Ah, fine, _whatever_-- gonna go back to sleep now..." That said, the grumpy turtle left the room, and his two brothers were left staring at each other in amused silence.

"So..."

"So." Mikey took yet another chip, deftly avoiding his brother's warning smack, and plopped it into his mouth with a self-satisfied look.

Donnie grinned. "And thus the apparently satiated Raphael returns to his nest until night once more rises?"

"_NOW _you're gettin' it!"

Raph ended up coming back into the room three minutes later, this time armed with a sai and an annoyed Leo, but it was totally worth it.

Sometimes one just had to suffer for their art, after all.


	2. It's a Ninja Thing

Not dead, still. Need fresh brains though. Rawr.

* * *

**It's a Ninja Thing**

Hamato Leonardo worked up one of his well-practiced superior looks and tried to ignore the way his younger brother was snickering. This was _fine_. He could explain this, and he _would_. He swallowed, and began.

"...Well, It's just that I try to be the essence of ninja. Quick-- undetectable-- one with the night. Invisible. Like lightening. I try, Raph, and I think I succeed... which is what is important here, big-picture wise--" He paused then, interrupted by Raphael now rolling his eyes like they were a pair of overly large marbles in his green hands and not, well, eyes. "..._Anyways_." He glared. "That makes it okay."

Raph merely snorted.

"Explain all you want, Leo." The younger turtle stretched, moving off the bed with an exaggerated sigh. "But _still_-- The sex was over in 30 seconds and I didn't even feel it."


	3. Japanese Cultured

Killing time. And your brains. Because I care. If any of this doesn't make sense, consult a Japanese dictionary or book on culture... just don't let your parents find out!

* * *

**The Ties that Bind**

"This," Raphael paused and tugged at his bindings one more time, "...Is all your fault, Leo! How many fucking times do we have to tell ya--"

Don sighed, resting against the cool stone wall of their home. "Not _that_ word, Raph, pleas--"

"--Mikey IS impressionable and you have to look things over closely before giving them to him!"

Leonardo blinked at his brother. "What the heck are you talking about? I DID. It was a comic. And in Japanese. All things Japanese are good." With this, he nodded sagely. Japan was the land of knowledge and culture, and certainly had nothing to do with their oncoming predicament.

"Uuuuh, Oh Leo... Um. About Japan." Don flushed,"...You ever hear of 'bukkake'?" He looked briefly over at his younger, and tied up, brother.

"...Donnie. I'm not helping you here. Not for a second. Not enough booze in the world for that one!"

"...Bu-what? Is that some sort of new martial art?" Leo rolled his eyes, ignoring Raphael. "Mikey wouldn't know about something like that. Not before me."

"ABOUT THAT."

"Erm," Donatello shot his red-banded brother a look, effectively hushing him, "Arguing really isn't going to be helping us right now. After all, Mikey's going to be coming back any sec--"

"This will be SO COOL...!! Now, who has the ropes? Raph, I know you had them last week!"

"--ond now. Shit." He sighed. "And do you guys have to interrupt me all the time? It's rude!"

Raph rolled his eyes in one smooth practiced motion and took what was probably the last chance he had to glare at Leonardo. It was a glare that could have killed a lesser man. Or turtle. Or possibly a salamander of some sort, if it were sick. "Blame. You."

Don sighed and relaxed his body. He was ready for this. He had been through worse. It couldn't possibly be worse than Raph's birthday party a few months ago. Sure, he hadn't tested it or anything, but he KNEW nothing could be worse than that. It was not scientifically or physically possible! Not if there was a merciful God, at least. "Leo, I'm not mad or anything..."

"...I am!"

"I'm not." Michelangelo shot back, smugly. Probably due to the fact his knots held.

"...But next time, PLEASE ask Raph or me about things before you give Mikey a doujinshi, okay?"


	4. I'm Going to Hell

I'm soooooo sorry!

* * *

**"I'm Going to Hell for This One"**

"...I'm just saying, if applied at the right angle there's is the slight possibility of it--"

Mikey shook his head at his brother Donnie rapidly. "Not a chance bro. It's not gonna dislodge it, it's gonna..." He swallowed, unsure if he even wanted to think about this possibility let alone voice it. "...Y'know... lodge it in deeper. Like, -really- deep."

He got a doubtful look in return. "You think there is any -room- for that, Mikey?"

"Good point."

"Irregardless, I suppose this plan is missing one key factor--"

"I dunno." Mikey managed to laugh and sigh at the same time. "If you are talking about Raph, he's just obsessed enough with Leo-- that he might go for it."

"If not?"

"Booze man, lots and lots of booze."

Donnie leaned back in his chair. "...I can't believe we are even discussing this."

"I can't believe you are willing to keep Leo like that and Raph so frustrated that I'm surprised he hasn't humping the couch yet..."

"Please don't make me visualize that."

Mikey looked sheepish. "Sorry, bro. And wait, I was just saying Raph's tool ain' 'zackly the right one for the job, wasn't I?"

There was a laugh. "You were. But remember-- We don't exactly have a lot of options either."

"Point."

"So..." Don raised an eye ridge.

"So I get the rope and chloroform and you get the Night train?"

"Agreed!"

And that, children, is the story about how Mikey and Don finally got that stick out of Leo's ass.


	5. Honestly!

Writer's block has me but good on my other fics, but I'm never too blocked for Crack. Blame and praise should be heaped upon the others in the TT chat room. Not me, yeah. ():)

* * *

For a long, crystal-clear moment the room was perfectly still. Not only could you hear a pin drop, you could hear a pin about fifty miles away and in a much much less mortifying situation drop.

Finally, Don broke the pained silence. "Errrr... Raph?"

"Yeah?" grunted his brother.

"Mrrrfff!" added Leo, waving his arms about.

"When we... errrr..." Don tried to shoot Mikey a look at this point, but his youngest brother was about twice as red as he was and about three steps away from the door.

The jerk.

"Aaaaaaah..." Still trying his damndest not to look at dreadful scene in front of him, Donatello struggled to continue. "We... when we said maybe you should get Leo... you know, your _brother_, to be quiet for a minute without violence... we meant..."

Then fortune, in the form of a brother who finally grew some, stepped in. Loudly.

"FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, RAPH, WE MEANT USE A GAG. NOW GET THAT OUT OF HIS MOUTH THIS INSTANT!"


	6. Ninjay

Blame goes to Winny-chan who gave me this bunny.

This fic is posted in response to the person who just broke up with me via email in order to cheer myself up. Go crack.

* * *

Some days Donatello really really hated being the medic for his family.

It wasn't just how Leo kept pushing himself to his utter limits, or Raph's tendancy to do something utterly fucking stupid and somehow live, or his father's love of cake, or even his little brother's habit of somehow getting his fingers stuck in peanut butter jars.

Oh no.

It was things like -this-. His family's almost miraculous gift for getting into trouble so ridiculous and comically painful that even Hollywood would shun it.

Especially _this_.

He stared at the scene in front of him once more, now finally comprehending the true horror of being unable to look away from a car accident.

"I can explain!" gasped Leo.

At the same time Raph screamed "His idea! It was all HIS IDEA!"

Finding his vocal cords-- who had tried to escape to Alaska while he was taking in the whole situation-- Don croaked. "I don't want to know."

"You see, he kept saying it was too quick and--"

"His fault his fault his fault! LEO I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! _TWICE_--"

"We should learn-- Ouch! Stop wiggling, Raph! All, you know, forms and positions and moves and--"

Raph tried once more to move, and failed. And even Don had to wince at _that_. "DIE!"

"IT'S NINJA-Y!"

"THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD, DUMBASS!"

Don cleared his throat. "I said I don't want to know. And I'll add this-- I can get you out of, errr... this. But on the following conditions."

"...Which are?"

"A) You both shut up, B) Stop moving, it hurts me to see it, and... finally..."

Both his brothers stared up at him, completely at his mercy.

"...Leo, give me that Kama Sutra book that's been on your nightstand for the last week and never ever EVER look at it again."


	7. Size Matters

Darn crack!drabble!bunnies. Evil things, I tell ya!

* * *

**Size Matters**

Amused, the three brothers watched as the second eldest of the four of them stamped his foot in utter frustration.

"I said... it's not over-compensating! This happens to be the normal length of the bo-- and Sensei--"

Mikey managed to keep a straight face. "...Thought he'd help poor _little_ Don out?"

"You!" Don took a swing at his youngest brother with said bo, even as Raph and Leonardo laughed. "I'll show you 'over-compensating'!"

"Fruedian much?" wondered his second youngest brother, very un-Raph like chuckles escaping from his mouth. "Donnie-Boy... play with that thing too much and you might go blind!"

Leo was still laughing. "...Don't worry, Don. We understand. And we know... it's not like we haven't seen it several times..."

"ALL OF YOU, SHUT UP! YOU GUYS ARE THE ONES WHO HAVE TO CARRY _TWO _WEAPONS!"

* * *

The next day, Donatello Hamato came into practice carrying a tooth-pick.


End file.
